When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
me when the borders lift
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
my friend said she won’t hang out with me anymore because I described a pigeon we saw at the park as “thicc”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.