When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
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Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Just grow your own
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I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
pizza
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Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
it’s not been my year
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My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
I’m an avid indoorsman.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.