When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
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Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
No laws when master is gone
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.