when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
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me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Mario: I killed all your turtle troops.Bowser: Turtle what?Mario: All the turtles that work for you.Bowser: What turtles?Mario: Uh oh…
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*