When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”