When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
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Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.