When you’re Kinky but poor
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just leave it at the foot of the bed
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
I wanted to do a random act of kindness, so I took a parking ticket off a car and threw it in the garbage. Boom ticket gone.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.