@ItalianGirl706

When you’re Kinky but poor

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@adult_mom

Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands

@SJKSalisbury

Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.

@david8hughes

[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor

@justatornado

For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.

@gojarbe

[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]

@jonnysun

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

@reallifemommy3

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

@stevevsninjas

Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name

@WheelTod

A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.

@NikiWithIssues

I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.