when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
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OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
I hate when that happens.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.