When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*