When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
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“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
If you know, you know
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Danger is very dangerous
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
Thinking outside the box.. 😅