When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Yes, this is exactly right
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.