When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
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The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?