When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
You Might Also Like
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
*attaches note to pigeon
*stuffs pigeon into envelope
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”