When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco