When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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The booster protects against what, now?
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
getting old is fun
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.