When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
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Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.