when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
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Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.