When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
You Might Also Like
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔