When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Mission: Impossible
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit