When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
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Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
My first child will be named New Folder.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl