When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

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At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.


me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight


Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.


I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.


I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no


grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded


My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.


If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist


“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.