When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
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[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends