@pplwtching

When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

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@mattgallo123

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

@Browtweaten

me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

@Cornjerker78

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

@DothTheDoth

I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.

@OlanDevine

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@Where__wolf

grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded

@Writepop

My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.

@JimmerThatisAll

If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist

@JulieSnark

“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.