When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
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Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)