#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
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internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Love is in the air fryer.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go