Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
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“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Not recommended for beginners.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.