Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain πŸ˜‰

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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.


The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.


The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..


I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.


I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.


I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.


Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.


I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.