@Kyle_Lippert Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
@0hJuliette Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain π
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@Kyle_Lippert 
@LizerReal me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
@Smug_Lemur Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
@OddMarc If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
@goodgrief_rats My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
@Donna_McCoy It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
@hiitsmolly “I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
@AtticusFinch79 *taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
@BrettDruck Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
@envydatropic It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast