@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain πŸ˜‰

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@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@_Fariis

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

@Clanopath

The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..

@DaveTheAlbino

I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.

@WilliamAder

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

@1800Randy

I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@isaaaa

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

@BombChelleMama_

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

@ddsmidt

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.