@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain πŸ˜‰

You Might Also Like

@Kyle_Lippert

Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.

@Smug_Lemur

Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?

@goodgrief_rats

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

@Donna_McCoy

It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.

@hiitsmolly

“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met

@AtticusFinch79

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

@BrettDruck

Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.

@envydatropic

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast