Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
You Might Also Like
Note to self: I am a note
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Leaving the Barbers like
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
2 years later
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store