Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
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my husband: goddammit
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast