Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.

If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.

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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.


My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.


Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.


Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils


“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.


Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit


Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.


Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.


If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”


aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok