Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
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Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Google reviews are always so mixed..
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
These dogs look like they have good credit.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”