Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
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*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.