Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there