Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?