Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
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[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”