Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
You Might Also Like
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
SPLOOT
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”