Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
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Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.