Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell


Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.


My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.


Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”


Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk


My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.


The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.


Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.


For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.


Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now