@fightforfood

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

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@CrockettForReal

If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell

@PaperWash

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

@UnicornSyrup

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@Six_Pack_Mom

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

@LaLuchaNix

Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk

@JimmerThatisAll

My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.

@longwall26

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

@JermHimselfish

Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.

@crunchenhanced

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

@bobvulfov

Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now