Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
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in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
giddy up Office Depot
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
the dark web is just a goth google.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?