whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
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Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
Worst perfume name ever.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.