Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons