Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
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[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Sarcasm…
Because mocking you directly would be rude.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.