Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
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road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.