Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
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Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
same vibe as tangled headphones
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.