Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
You Might Also Like
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
channeling her this year
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”