*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
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Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep