@Tbone7219

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

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@SteveSuckington

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

@TheTweetOfGod

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

@bestnewuser

toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.

@_SouthernMama

The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.

@KarenKilgariff

LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied

@AlanFelyk

You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

@NYC_Blonde

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

@TheFirstDudish

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

@DanMentos

[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep