Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
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[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss