Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
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There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory