Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
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Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review