Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
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Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.