Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
next level snooze
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
? 💀
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.