Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
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Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Do not steal food from the science building!
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!