Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
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Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
How is it still this week?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?