Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
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The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Why am I like this?
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.