Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”


Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*


If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”


Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”


Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.


Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.


Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..