@Cheeseboy22

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

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@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.

1-year-old: *eats it*

*screams in pain*

Me: At least you learned your lesson.

1: *eats another one*

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@Triballistix

Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”

@Cheeseboy22

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

@kirahesser

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@weinerdog4life

If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.

@Boleyngirly

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..