Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.


You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees


Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.


Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..


Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.



(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.


“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
*complete silence*


My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.


I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”