@Im_Tricia

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.

You Might Also Like

@amishschool

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

@iVanillaGorilla

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees

@PlopWaffle

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

@hythemafia

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

@mydmac

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@BlindChow

“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN

@TheFirstDudish

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

@daemonic3

I’m going to run errands, need anything?

“Yes, some new light bulbs”

Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?

“And a good divorce lawyer”