Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
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You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”