Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.