Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
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“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
The two most popular things to do on the internet are argue about politics and looking at naked people
Million dollar website idea: combine both — naked people arguing about politics
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him